I knew it would be hard, but I didn\u2019t know it would be this hard. I kicked the leaves in front of me as I walked the familiar paths that encircled the neighborhood where I used to live. My iced fingers fisted inside wool pockets as a crisp autumn wind passed over me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The air was cold, but fresh and wonderful. I\u2019d missed it. The weather, I mean. Not the place. Not the memories that seemed to float around every monument of this old land like restless souls in twilight. I\u2019d missed the cold autumn air and the colored leaves that always blanketed the ground this time of year. I\u2019d missed the mountains and the fresh winds and the clear night skies. But everything else about this place was hell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d finally managed for a moment to get away from the frill and flowers and passive-aggressive comments of everyone fluttering about in the house, and the contrast was stunning to my senses. Gosh, how I loathed being here. But at the same time, how I\u2019d missed these familiar sensations\u2014the peace of the quiet tree line, the crunch of the autumn leaves underfoot, and the burn of the cold, dry air against my face. I stopped on the path, took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The last time I\u2019d breathed this air, I was hyperventilating. One of many panic attacks I\u2019d endured in the crisp, cool air of these haunted grounds. My heart was pounding, and all the world was a blur. One of those \u201cfight or flight\u201d moments. I\u2019d chosen neither and suffered for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I opened my eyes when I noticed my heart was thumping fast, just like it had done in my memory. Let it go<\/em>. I patted my cheeks with both hands several times and then breathed out slowly through rounded lips. It\u2019s in the past<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The fat, ugly past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I heard a name suddenly echo through the valley. Oh, that name. That childish name that used to define me. It traveled through the forest, my present haven, and knocked on my ungrateful ears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBetsy!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Betsy<\/em>. The child, the girl I didn\u2019t know anymore. I\u2019d gotten in the habit of cringing every time I heard that name, even if it wasn\u2019t in reference to me. It, too, held my pain like this land held my past. No one in my new life knew me by that name. I was Elizabeth. An adult, a grown woman. And a strong woman at that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yet there was something about being here, with that name wafting through the air of my former home, that made me feel weak, like a child again. And there was a part of me that wanted to weep, flail my arms, and run into the forest like I had done so many times before. To hide from the pain. From their rejection. Their constant disappointment. Their rage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I heard the name again and worked my lips like wax into a bright smile. Then I ran with a cheerful trot toward the back patio of the house where the bride stood in her silky robe waving at me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cComing!\u201d I waved back. \u201cJust enjoying the weather and the view,\u201d I said when I was near enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, you must miss it so much,\u201d she said. \u201cIt\u2019s so sad that you\u2019re never here anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh, those sweet, painful jabs that all the happy wedding faces kept throwing my way. They took many forms, like when her mom gave me a hug and immediately told me how grateful she was to have my parents in her life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That makes one of us<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThey\u2019ve helped us so much with the wedding, I don\u2019t know how we would have done it without them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, that\u2019s wonderful,\u201d I\u2019d said, shrinking a size on the inside. \u201cGlad they could help with someone\u2019s<\/em> wedding.\u201d I\u2019d dished it back, and immediately regretted it. No one understood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah,\u201d I forced a chuckle. \u201cI certainly miss the beauty here.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI miss you so much,\u201d she said. \u201cI can\u2019t believe it\u2019s been two years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMe too. It\u2019s crazy how time flies,\u201d I said with another laugh. \u201cYou\u2019re always welcome to come visit us in Texas.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n She scowled. \u201cYeah, no offense, but that\u2019s really expensive.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I stared at her with a frozen smile, then blinked. \u201cYeah, I know it can be a lot to travel.\u201d I thought of the bills I\u2019d racked up on account of her bachelorette party and wedding\u2014over two grand between flights, hotels, rental cars, gifts and gowns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let it go<\/em>. I breathed in deeply and smiled larger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell, what a perfect day to get married,\u201d I said with my exhale. \u201cYou look absolutely beautiful. How do you feel?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI feel amazing! I\u2019m so blessed to be surrounded by all these people who love and support me. My parents just love Jesse!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah, what a blessing!\u201d People are cruel<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I followed her back inside and watched as she got swept away by a houseful of giggling, half-dressed ladies. Their chatting and sudden bursts of laughter echoed through every room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just enjoy the moment<\/em>. I made my way to the mimosa and snacks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ~~~*~~~<\/p>\n\n\n\n The ceremony was great. We were all dolled up in floor-length black dresses with long, curled hair and red lips. We carried red roses down a red-petaled aisle as we led the way for the bride, who, just moments before had taken two shots of fireball.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m so nervous!\u201d she\u2019d said. \u201cWere you nervous at your wedding?\u201d she asked in my direction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo, I don\u2019t think I was, actually.\u201d I was surprised by my answer, but it was true. The only thing I had been nervous about was whether my parents would make a surprise entrance and run through the venue shouting, \u201cWe object!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But I knew they wouldn\u2019t come, so even that had been more of a fantasy dread than any real cause for concern. I loved my wedding, loved everything about it. And I especially loved seeing Carson waiting for me under the oak tree. I couldn\u2019t relate to her need for fireball.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I made it to the stage at the end of the bridesmaid train, I immediately scanned the congregation for Carson. Poor guy. People here had heard only horror stories about him. That he was nothing short of a demon-possessed psychopath. And the whole trip I\u2019d felt the tension mounting around the two of us when we spoke to people my parents had spoken to first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s all their loss<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I saw him and waved. He smiled at me, so cool under all this pressure. Cool when everyone else was less-than-cool to him. He\u2019d found some people that liked us because they didn\u2019t traffic in the town\u2019s gossip, and he seemed to be having a nice time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I scanned the room again for any familiar faces, and I felt a knot growing in my stomach. A few here and there, but no one who could do any real damage. Good<\/em>. My parents, of course, were not in attendance. Although they were involved in every other possible aspect of bringing about the wedding day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019d learned upon arrival that the groomsmen would be staying at my parents\u2019 home for the weekend and would get ready there before the ceremony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019re kidding?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow great!\u201d I\u2019d said with a wide smile and a sinking weight within. \u201cMom and dad always did love hosting large parties.\u201d I could just hear the conversations the boys would have with them\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSo will you be at the wedding?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell, we\u2019re very disheartened by it, but we won\u2019t be able to attend.\u201d They\u2019d say with grieved eyes. \u201cIt\u2019s our daughter, you know, Betsy. She\u2019s one of the bridesmaids. She\u2019s cut us out of her life and won\u2019t see us or speak to us. Her husband has brainwashed her and destroyed our relationship. So, for the sake of keeping Clarissa\u2019s wedding as happy as possible, we decided to sacrifice our desires and stay home.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n My mother would cry, my father would put a dramatic hand on her shoulder, and all the boys would rally around them, so sorry for their suffering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Suffering my ass<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I could feel the bitterness rising in my chest and welling up in my eyes. I breathed deeply again and exhaled through rounded lips. Let it go<\/em>. Ever since I found out about the groomsmen\u2019s lodgings, I\u2019d been wary around them. And the bridesmaids too for that matter because people talk. People always talk. Why don\u2019t they all just mind their own business?<\/em> I breathed again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let it go<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The bride emerged, arm-in-arm with her father. I thought of my dad. Thought of his rage. His lectures. His demands. I thought of the years Carson and I had sat at his feet, trying to be good enough for his blessing. How I had literally knelt before him, begging for his approval. How his voice always drowned out mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cEither us or Carson,\u201d he\u2019d said, \u201cbut not both.\u201d God forbid someone could have both<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The pastor said a few words about how the happy couple had done it right in the eyes of God, and then one of the bridesmaids stepped up to sing a song about blessings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Done it right<\/em>. The words lingered in my mind. I thought about what Clarissa had told me of their past. Drinking and hooking up and partying and smoking. I thought about my past with Carson. Library visits and bible studies and courtship and candlelit dinners. But they got the blessing. They did it right. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let it go.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I shifted my attention to the bridesmaid singing the blessing song. Watching her passionate, spiritual expressions on stage I couldn\u2019t stop thinking of the bachelorette party when she was drunk as a fish and grinding on her sister. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let it go.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n ~~~*~~~<\/p>\n\n\n\n I saw Billy at the reception. Our old family friend. He talked to me for a second, and it seemed he was on a mission to convince me to make the short visit to my parents\u2019 house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah, I\u2019m just not up for that, Billy.\u201d I said. Then he asked what I wanted from them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cJust to be kind.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He left the event after our conversation even though the reception had barely begun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ~~~*~~~<\/p>\n\n\n\n Carson and I found our way to the fire pit by the end of the evening and sat down, enjoying the warm contrast to the cold November air. Jesse, the groom, found us and started up a conversation with Carson. The bride\u2019s brother sat down next to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYour dad\u2019s a really cool guy.\u201d He said with a silly drawl. \u201cHe\u2019s super intelligent.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I blinked at him, smelling a chemistry blend of spirits on his breath. \u201cOh yeah, he really likes sharing his thoughts. He\u2019s a good debater.\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The brother cocked his head and flashed a goofy smile at me before he burst into a fit of laughter. I smiled and looked back at the fire. He left for another drink.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In a moment, the bride\u2019s father sat down in the empty space, putting a large, friendly hand on my shoulder. \u201cGosh it\u2019s so great to see you again. It really means the world to Clarissa.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, of course, I wouldn\u2019t have missed it!\u201d I replied with a warm smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDo you remember when you two used to run in the mornings before school?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow could I forget! Although, they were more like morning strolls<\/em>.\u201d I laughed and he laughed too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThose were the days.\u201d He said. \u201cYou two were the best of friends. It\u2019s too bad you don\u2019t come back more often.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Please jab me again, will you?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n A moment passed as we watched the crackling fire. \u201cYou know,\u201d he broke the silence. \u201cLife happens, you know? But we\u2019ve just got to let stuff go and move on\u2026you know, thank God for second chances. You know?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I felt my stomach churn. If only it were that easy<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just then I heard the bride whispering and sniffling behind me. \u201cHow could she be so close like this and not go see them? I just don\u2019t understand!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n What in the?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI know, honey, I just don\u2019t know.\u201d Her mom whispered back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I pretended not to notice they were talking about me. And then I realized the father hadn\u2019t finished his monologue about forgiveness and second chances. He was in the middle of praising my parents when the bride suddenly burst into tears. The father stopped, looked up at her, then back at me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI think Clarissa needs a hug.\u201d He said, gesturing for me to oblige. \u201cGo to her, she needs you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh gosh, what am I stepping into?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I feigned ignorance. \u201cClarissa, oh my goodness, are you okay?\u201d I approached her with concern pasted on my face and anger burning in my chest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo. You know what? No! I\u2019m not okay!\u201d She said, her voice giving away she\u2019d had a few too many drinks. \u201cI\u2019ve been crying for an hour because of you!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n My expression went cold. Oh, well that\u2019ll be a lovely memory in the wedding book.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t get it! Your parents love you so much! How could you be here and not go see them? How could you do that?\u201d As she raised her voice, a host of faces turned and brightened in the firelight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cClarissa, it\u2019s not a welcoming place for me right now.\u201d I said in a low voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBut it is! I know it is! They love you so much!\u201d She cried and waved her arms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo, Clarissa. To say<\/em> you love someone is one thing. To treat<\/em> them with love is entirely another thing. But this is your wedding day. This is not the time to be worrying about me and my family.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBut it is! I\u2019m crying right now because I care so much about you. I care about you so much and that\u2019s why I\u2019m bringing this up. I love you and I love them and I just want everything to be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The groom looked over at the commotion and I felt sorry for him. What a stain on the happiest day of their lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell, you don\u2019t need to be worrying about this right now.\u201d I said, softening my voice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Although I was thinking much more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Loud and wild thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What the hell, Clarissa! Could you just mind your own business and stay out of mine? How dare you tear open my wounds and make a spectacle of me in front of your guests! Not only are you scarring your wedding day, but you are awakening trauma in me that I have worked tirelessly to keep at bay so I could simply be here for you tonight. Damn it, Clarissa!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Who are you to tell me what it\u2019s like for me to be in my parents\u2019 home? Have you stood before my raging father with tears streaming down your face and fear pounding in your chest? Have you knelt before him begging for mercy? Have you listened to him berate you, saying you are wayward, sinful, ungodly, prodigal, and a disgrace to the family simply because you disagreed with him? Have you seen him rage against your mother and heap his sins upon her shoulders while she bears it and praises his name? Have you seen his swirling mad eyes before he lets out the beast inside him? <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Do you know my father will not speak to me unless I repent of sins I have not committed? Do you know that I am unwelcome in that home unless I agree to subject myself to his verbal beatings and submit myself to his tyrannical rules?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course you do not. Because you are not me and you have never walked a step in the shoes that I was given to wear in this life<\/em>!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Elizabeth. <\/em>I slowed my breath. Let it go.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou don\u2019t need to be worrying about this right now, Clarissa.\u201d I hugged her as she cried. \u201cIt\u2019s okay. I promise it will be okay.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n When I stepped away I felt Carson\u2019s steady hand rest on my shoulder. \u201cYou okay?\u201d He whispered. I looked at him and we both knew. It was time to go.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I knew it would be hard, but I didn\u2019t know it would be this hard. I kicked the leaves in front of me as I walked the familiar paths that encircled the neighborhood where I used to live. My iced fingers fisted inside wool pockets as a crisp autumn wind passed over me. The air…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[423,424,175,334,405,404,327,326,211,168,420,421,422],"class_list":["post-540","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-short-stories","tag-awkward-wedding","tag-dramatic-wedding","tag-emotional-abuse","tag-emotional-pain","tag-familial-argument","tag-familial-conflict","tag-family-feud","tag-family-trauma","tag-gaslighting","tag-spiritual-abuse","tag-trauma","tag-trigger-moments","tag-wedding"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/540","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=540"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/540\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":645,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/540\/revisions\/645"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=540"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=540"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=540"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}