{"id":337,"date":"2023-08-03T13:47:12","date_gmt":"2023-08-03T13:47:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/?p=337"},"modified":"2026-02-27T20:13:45","modified_gmt":"2026-02-27T20:13:45","slug":"the-fall-of-a-sparrow","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/?p=337","title":{"rendered":"The Fall of a Sparrow"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I killed a sparrow today. As I sped across the Texas highway at 85 mph, the sun just beginning to set behind me, blanketing the landscape in deep late-summer hues of green and blue, my eyes were heavy with the end of the long day and the thought of the long drive ahead. My mind drifted. As I drove, I watched and floated, and I saw a host of sparrows lift off from the grassy median between the roads and flit as one collective up and over, right in front of my path. I observed the scene, and admired their beauty for half a second. For another half second I thought, “They’re not going to make it.” In the next half second I felt a thump against my car, like a heavy strike against my heart, which then beat louder and louder until I shook out of my drifting trance and looked into the rear-view mirror just in time to catch a glimpse of a little bird falling and hitting the pavement. <\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

~~~*~~~<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sweet Sparrow, <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I found a remnant of your life and death when I arrived home this evening. It was stuck to the glass, and fluttered as I slowed. I’m so sorry. Your death has muddied the waters in my mind, and awakened emotion I’d long hidden away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I saw from my rear-view mirror your body fall and strike the pavement like a tiny sack of beads, I wept. My voice broke through the highway’s hum and lingered with the passing trees. I clenched the wheel. I thought about how I’d drifted into the other lane, and because of laziness and embarrassment, I’d stayed there. How my mind had drifted too, how it felt as though I weren’t the actor but the observer in the scene playing out before me. I thought about how I didn’t slow when I could have. How I’d thought, “They’re not going to make it,” yet remained aloof. Why? I thought about how I left you back there on the road. I thought about your friends, your family. That you awoke this morning to the bright sun, hope and joy in another day. I wept and I wept.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then I looked down and I saw my uniform, and I couldn’t believe that I–I who weeps over the accidental death of a sparrow–would be found in an occupation devoted to intentional targeting and killing. And I wept for hope deferred, and for the girl I was before I joined the military. The girl who made that decision. And the girl I always have been, although timid and hiding within–the girl who weeps for sparrows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then I thought of them, of their anger and rage and rejection. And I wept for pain and for loss. And for all that was, and for all that never will be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then I remembered the providence in the fall of a sparrow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I want you to know–I will never forget you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

13 August 2021<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I killed a sparrow today. As I sped across the Texas highway at 85 mph, the sun just beginning to set behind me, blanketing the landscape in deep late-summer hues of green and blue, my eyes were heavy with the end of the long day and the thought of the long drive ahead. My mind…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[726,111,771,767,25,772,20,518,766,770,519,765,769,768],"class_list":["post-337","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-meditations","tag-choice","tag-death","tag-destiny","tag-driving","tag-grief","tag-military","tag-pain","tag-providence","tag-road-kill","tag-sorrow","tag-sparrow","tag-the-fall-of-s-sparrow","tag-weeping","tag-wept"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=337"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1023,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337\/revisions\/1023"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=337"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=337"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bexroden.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=337"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}